Sunday, July 4, 2010
as i was chopping vegetables this morning i had a whole bunch of interesting thoughts that i wanted to share here. but as it often goes, theyre now just a vague memory. i seem to remember the general train of thought though, so let me try and retrace it.
yesterday i started cleaning out my closet. because of all the traveling ive been doing over the last 5 years i was never home much. whenever i was, my method of cleaning was to put stuff in boxes and put those boxes away in the closet. all kinds of stuff. concert tickets, grocery receipts, letters and postcards, notebooks, broken pawn shop radios that i thought i might one day fix. in short, lots of things that bring back memories.
i finally started to sift through all these boxes. what i dont need anymore - which is the bulk of what's in these boxes - im throwing away. the receipts, broken speakers and radios, etc. im keeping just a few things. backstage passes of when i used to play in the bros, a postcard my grandma send me when her brother died, a concert ticket of when i saw the original black sabbath line-up in california back in 2004, etc.
ive always believed that the state of the space a person lives in is pretty much a direct reflection of their state of mind. and this experience of cleaning out all these boxes and throwing stuff away definitly confirms that, atleast for my self. letting go of some of these old memories. dealing with stuff id just been stashing away in the back of my mind. its pretty intense, being confronted with all this "shit"! but the good thing is, once you let go of the shit, things start getting clean. order reappears. and actually, you start to notice, order was always there. its just that its so hard to let go and see through the "shit"!
thats why i dont believe in discipline anymore. discipline is still holding on to something. true freedom comes from letting go. and thats scary, because discipline gives structure to our lives. it gives us something to hold on to. its there to protect us from things like temptation and other distractions. but if we're not careful, eventually, that very discipline can become the chain that binds us. thats why i think its important to eventually go beyond discipline. once you let go of a certain desire, it no longer has any power over you. it can neither tempt nor distract you.
for example, many people love sweets. they have to restrain themselves not to eat (too many) sweets, because theyre afraid they'll get fat or that their health will suffer or something like this. they have to discipline themselves not to eat (too many) sweets. but someone who doesnt like sweets wont even think about eating them. he wont need discipline to say no - because there's no temptation. there's nothing holding power over him.
its like this with many things in our life that we struggle with. you cant find peace through fighting, struggle. because any peace thats acquired through force isnt true peace. a lot of us have seen that this holds true for countries where peace is acquired through heavy military presence. such peace is extremely fragile. and i believe it holds true for ourselves and the "inner struggle" as well. you cant cure dissatisfaction with dissatisfaction - then youre just being dissatisfied about being dissatisfied! do you see the irony? similarly, you dont fight fire with fire, it will only spread further. instead, you use water. common sense, right!? yet we all know its so hard to do. its hard to respond kindly to anger. its hard to not take "an eye for an eye". but you know what, i think that's why they call it "practice". it takes time to get good at something. its like skateboarding. you fall? just get back up! the chinese have a saying of something along the lines of: "dont be afraid of slow growth, just be afraid of no growth".
i guess this is pretty close to what was going through my head this morning. the weather is beautiful today. i went outside and put some oil on my japanese geta (wooden sandals), cause the wood was getting dry. they look kind of trippy, but theyve done wonders for my knees by keeping my posture straight. slowly but surely, i seem to be recovering from the knee injuries i sustained in japan. all the metaphorical dust is starting to settle. the garden's going strong and healthy and after the shitstorm that was april/may 2010 im finally starting to get some perspective on where things are at for me in my life.
in the words of watt:
keep on keepin' on!
...and thats about all i have to say about that.